Name: Sean Landry Position: Centre Year: 3

November 15 - Bison Basketball Holds Camps for Over-Privileged Children

(All quotes are fake)

The University of Manitoba Bisons is once again giving back to the community. The Bisons are known for their Jr. Bison basketball program but now they are focusing on a different demographic; the exceedingly rich.

“When it comes to basketball, it seems that the lower to middle class kids have advantages that the exceedingly rich do not have” says the programs founder Sean Landry. “There are a ton of basketball courts in middle class neighborhoods, whether it be at school or at local parks. The rich do not have access to these resources as a lot of the land that has been put aside for them has been used to make golf courses or polo fields. With enrollment in this camp, they will have a lot of access to some great facilities. They will of course play in traditional gyms with hardwood floors and glass backboards but they will also be exposed to ‘street courts’ and they will play on concrete and on baskets that have no mesh.”

“Another reason for the disparity in basketball ability of the super rich and the middle class is that the super rich don’t have the same kind of hunger that the middle class has, both literally and figuratively.” says Landry. “These kids come to my camp used to eating caviar and escargot, but we only serve hot dogs, hot pockets, and Cheetoh’s. They don’t get to drink their Perrier bottled water either, they get to drink from water fountains or sometimes hoses if we are on a street court.”

One of the early success stories from the Over-Privileged Basketball Camp is Haynesworth Rockefeller. “When I came to the camp I hadn’t even heard of the savage game of basketball. I had spent most of my formidable years playing badminton but I have taken quite a liking to this basketball. I am now able to throw the sphere through the cylinder on consecutive attempts, sometimes the sphere does not even touch the cylinder and I get what I believe is called a ‘swish’.”

This camps dedication to the super rich is incredible. With a $20,000 a week fee, it ensures that their will be no fake rich people attending and taking advantage of the system set up for the kids who need the most in terms of basketball development. “Some people say that our price tag is really high, but I assure you it is only that high to ensure that only the super rich are attending. If we had lower prices anyone could attend and our focus and energy would not be going where it is needed the most, the exceedingly wealthy” says Landry.

If you wish to enroll your child into the Over-Privileged Basketball Camp simply bring $20,000 cash to Sean Landry and your son or daughter will receive one business week of personal instruction from Sean and other members of the Bison Basketball program.

The camps motto says it all - “It’s time we got these kids out of their mansions, mini-palaces, or full blown palaces and onto the streets.” – Sean Landry (Camp Founder).

Any comments or feeback please Email: bison_sports@umanitoba.ca

October 18

(All quotes are fake)

Joel Pankewich to Release Rap Mix Tape

The University of Manitoba’s Joel Pankewich is not your ordinary athlete. In addition to being an incredibly gifted basketball player he is also an aspiring rapper. “People have only seen the basketball player. I think that it is time people heard what is going on in my head. I have a lot to say and this is the perfect way to get to the masses. I also have a great street name that was given to me by Coach Suffield - ‘GRI$$’.”

GRI$$ has the support of his teammates and they say that his new interest will not effect their perception of him. When asked about Pankewich’s musical pursuit third year forward Grant Rayner had this to say “Joel listens to a lot of rap so I guess that makes him qualified to release an album. Besides if a guy like T-Pain can become famous anyone can. I haven’t heard GRI$$’s album yet but there is no way that it could be worse than T-Pain’s. Does the guy (T-Pain) have any discernable talent? I mean I could write bad lyrics and sing into a synthesizer.”

GRI$$ also says that he has learned from previous athletes turned rappers and says that he will use the elements that made their foray into the music industry so successful.

“I guess the first athletes to release a rap song would be the Chicago Bears team that won the Super Bowl. They released a song called ‘The Super Bowl Shuffle’ that had a very popular dance involved. My first single will also incorporate a dance called the Bi$on $tomp. Another person that influenced me was Shaquille O’Neal. He liked to throw in lots of basketball references. I have a song called ‘No 2’s, Be 2rue’ that is about how you have to honest with yourself and it’s also about realizing that two point shots are okay but that three point shots are better. I feel that people will really enjoy the music because I really took the whole process so seriously.”

GRI$$ even collaborated with fellow basketball teammate Eric Garcia a.k.a. C.M.J (Cash Money Japedough). “I brought in C.M.J to add a little Asian influence. He really compliments my style and flow. It’s like he’s doing his thing at warp speed and then he sets me up perfectly. We really work well together, like some kind of teammates. I know that sounds really weird and it would be very hard to find this kind of chemistry anywhere else in the world. The song is called ‘Gri$$-Dough Change-O (Droppin’ Dimes)’.

The album has tentatively been named ‘Who is GRI$$WOLD’ and should be ready for purchase before Christmas. No tour dates have been announced because of Joel’s basketball commitments but he said that he has been in touch with Ron Artest (president of the Tru Warrior record label and a NBA All-Star) about possibly co-headlining a North American street ball/hip-hop tour that could include other basketball players turned rappers Tony Parker, Allen Iverson, Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O’Neal and Troy Hudson. As for now, GRI$$ is going to focus on basketball and stay away from the music industry until after the season.

Any comments or feeback please Email: bison_sports@umanitoba.ca

October 10

(All quotes are fake but the injuries are real)

Mitchell Attempts to Set New Canada West Record

The University of Manitoba Bison’s basketball team has a lot to look forward to this season. After finishing strong last season, they feel that they have an excellent chance of contending in the tough Canada West basketball conference.

This season will also be filled with interesting subplots. Whether it is Sean Landry’s triumphant return from a horrific knee injury or Graeme Mitchell’s attempt to break what was once seen as an untouchable record. Graeme is on pace to capture title as the most injured athlete ever to play in the Canada West conference, regardless of sport.

The record was previously held by Rush Blitzer a former long snapper for the University of Calgary Dinos football team. Blitzer missed an astounding 93% of his teams’ practices/games due to injury. Mitchell is currently sitting at 91.5% of practices/games missed due to injury. Mitchell has however started the year out strong with a wrist and a back injury.

“The record is something that you always think is out of reach” says Mitchell. “When I came to the University of Manitoba I was just hoping to be a contributor on a CIS basketball team, I never imagined that I would one day be in the record books. It just goes to show all of the kids out there that nothing is impossible.”

Graeme says that in his first game (an alumni game) as a Bison team he suffered a concussion and that was the start of what would be numerous injuries afflicted upon the point guard. To date Graeme has injured both ankles several times, his left wrist, his back, his neck, and numerous other parts of his body playing the game of basketball.

“I think that having the injuries spread out is key when talking about Graeme’s chase for the record,” says Barstow Jordan Miller the team’s athletic therapist for the last two seasons. “If the injuries were concentrated in one area then surgery could have been a possibility which may have led to a medical red-shirt which would mean that the games and practices missed would not have counted towards the record. I think Graeme is actually really lucky that he does not have an Achilles heal (referring to a specific area on Graeme’s body which is weaker than the rest); what he has could best be described as an Achilles body. He is equally weak and susceptible to injury all over his body.”

Even in the off season when most players are recuperating from the past season’s injuries; Graeme managed to find a way to hurt himself. Mitchell severely cut his toe and that injury forced him to miss some workouts. “It was just a freak accident that occurred at home, but it allowed me to stay sharp when it comes to injuries. If I had an entire off season that was injury free that could possibly lead to an entire injury free season. I know that it might sound selfish to hear me say this, but I really want that record. Of course wins are still the most important thing to the team, and me but to hold the injury record that would really be amazing. It would be something I did on my own without the help of the team and something that I could be proud of for many years to come.”

Any comments or feeback please Email: bison_sports@umanitoba.ca

October 1

(Note all quotes are false - except for you have the prettiest eyes in the CIS, that actually happened - and made up by the greatest blogger ever, Sean Landry)

Crowe Wants to Show You What Love Is

There is a new Brian Crowe this year.

The 6’5” 200lb power forward for the Manitoba Bisons Basketball team has found love. Tessa Klassen of the women’s basketball team is the lucky lady and is responsible for the transformation. Brian had gained a reputation as a dirty player on the court last year, but now you could say that those days are behind him. Instead of tossing elbows, he is now blowing kisses. Instead of a quick shot to the back, he is now rubbing backs. His new style of play has opposing players baffled and some are even wishing that he would go back to his old ways.

One opposing player who asked to remain unidentified says that he never liked guarding Crowe before he found love but now he refuses to enter the game against the Bison power forward. “I could deal with Crowe throwing elbows but Crowe complimenting me on my hair and then giving me a hug, I can’t handle it. One time he told me that I have the prettiest eyes in the CIS. How am I supposed to play basketball after someone says that to me?” Another opposing player says that he received a bouquet of flowers from Brian with a card that said ‘Just to let you know that I’m thinking of you.’

The transformation has also been difficult for his teammates to deal with. First year guard Dan Purvis-Collins says that he has never met anyone like Crowe. “After our first practice Brian came up to me and said that we were going to go out for dinner that night. I didn’t think that it was a big deal or anything, and I thought it would be a good chance for me to get to know a teammate. Brian ended up taking me to the revolving restaurant and ordered me some lobster and wine. He asked for extra candles and he ended up staring into my eyes for the entire meal. He paid for it, which was great, but it was just really awkward. I don’t think that I will go anywhere with him alone again.”

Brian had this to say when he was told what other people are now thinking of him. “I am in love, and it is not something that I can turn on and off. Is it such a big deal to hold a teammates hand when going on long walks to see the sunset? Is it wrong to tell an opposing coach that I think he looks great in his sweater vest and that it really brings out his blue eyes? I really enjoyed seeing the look on Eric Garcia’s face when he saw the giant heart shaped box full of chocolate in his locker. You really had to have seen it to understand. I just have so much love right now and I would feel terrible if I didn’t share it with the world.”

When asked to comment of the chocolates that he received from Crowe, Garcia had this to say, “The look on my face was a cross between confusion and disgust. What made it especially weird was the fact that there was a giant picture of him underneath all of the chocolate.”

While the new Brian does not seem to be very popular amongst his teammates and opposing players it does not seem to faze him. “I’m in love. I don’t care what the rest of the world thinks about me. Besides, I think that my teammates will fall in love with me after they see what I did with the team room. I replaced all of the lights with candles and covered the floor with flower petals. They will finally understand just how much that I love them.”

Any comments or feeback please Email: bison_sports@umanitoba.ca

September 19

(Note all quotes are false and made up by the greatest blogger ever - Sean Landry, blogging is all about me)

January 19, 2007. That day will go down in infamy as the date that the 2006-07 Bison Basketball season died. Centre Sean Landry almost lost his left leg coming down after a thunderous dunk when he landed on an opposing player’s foot. Eight months and six surgeries later, Landry is once again practicing the game he loves.

“After I tore my knee up I did not know if I would ever play again. Time away from basketball made me realize that there really is nothing else to life. I live, breath, eat and sleep this sport. When it was taken away, albeit for a short, time I felt really lost. It’s good to be back.”

Landry, whose game has been described as a cross between Larry Bird and Speedy Claxton, has the entire University of Manitoba campus abuzz with excitement. Second year commerce student Bob Loblaw had this to say when he heard Landry was once again practicing, “After Sean hurt himself, I seriously considered transferring. Landry was the reason why I decided to come to the U of M. I am ecstatic that he is coming back and I will be getting in line for the October 12 Midway Chrysler tournament right away. I don’t want to miss this season’s pre-season opener like I did last year. The Gym will be packed to see our hero play basketball once again.”

Team captain Darcy Coss is equally excited about the big man return. “When Sean went down it not only left a void in the middle of the court, but it also left a void in the team’s soul. We just weren’t the same without him last year. We still worked hard and we even won a couple games without Sean, but the wins seemed empty, and the losses seemed devastating because we knew if we had Sean that we would have won those games.”

The imminent return of Sean Landry has the whole Canada West Athletic Conference bracing for ‘The Landry Effect’. Gyms across the Conference have been sold out for there U of M dates for weeks. There is even talk of the game in Calgary (Sean’s home town) being played in the Saddle Dome to accommodate the masses of fans that want to see their hero play again. Even opposing players can’t wait to step on the court with greatness. Mark Lynch a former teammate of Landry’s (they won the ACAC championship together at Mount Royal College) said “It’s a lot more fun to play with him than against him, but to see what he is able to do on a basketball court has me really looking forward to our game against the Bisons.”

Even with all of the hype surrounding his return Landry remains humble. “There are four other guys out there on the court with me; they should receive just as much attention as I do. I have never been a me first kind of guy and I like to think that I the team ahead of my own glory. I measure success in terms of wins and losses, not by points per game. I think as long as I check my ego at the door, we will have a very successful year with a national title being a definite possibility. It’s not all about me.”

Any comments or feeback please Email: bison_sports@umanitoba.ca